Help Others Decrease Anxiety: Be a Source of Calm

I had just finished leading a session on decreasing anxiety with more than 100 sixth graders in a rural Honduran village. A flurry of students in blue and white uniforms happily chatted as they moved to classrooms, when a cluster of girls approached me.  One of the girls, Maria, said, “I have so much anxiety that I cry almost every day. My parents don’t understand and get angry with me. I can’t talk to them. What can I do?” The others nodded and waited to hear my answer.

 Compassion kicked in and I wanted to magically remove their anxiety. This, of course, was not possible. As much as I desired to change their world, doing so was outside of my control. Accepting limitations while helping others is difficult, especially when children and family members are involved. With anxiety’s growing presence, we often find it difficult to decrease our own stress, and even harder to help others do so.  

 Who have you seen struggle with stress? How does anxiety affect the groups you are part of? We may not be able to create a perfectly peaceful world, but we can be a source of calm. Check out the following strategies to help others decrease anxiety without taking on their stress.    

 1.    Increase your own inner peace.  Promoting calm within ourselves is one of the most powerful things we can do to decrease anxiety among our groups. Dedicate time daily to do what helps you feel at peace. Walk in nature, meditate, pray, listen to peaceful music, practice mindfulness, or journal. Intentionally work on creating personal calm, because our presence speaks louder than words. A non-anxious presence decreases anxiety in families, teams, organizations, and communities.

 2.    Be aware of social dynamics and choose to be calm in groups. Anxiety, like a contagion, moves rapidly among people. Emotional triangles of three people are a common source of increasing anxiety. Let’s say Maria talked with her mother, who became anxious. Mother talked with Maria’s father, who expressed stress with anger. Anxiety quickly moved through all three individuals and increased in the group.

 When we understand the movement of anxiety, we are more likely to interrupt its transmission and decrease stress. We can emotionally differentiate ourselves and choose to remain connected without taking on other people’s anxiety. If Maria’s mother or father (ideally both) listen to Maria, remain non=anxious, and communicate calmly they prevent the family’s anxiety from increasing.

3.    Give strategies to see and respond differently. We may not be able to change people’s circumstances, but we can help them change how they see and respond. I had Maria and her friends describe how their bodies react to anxiety. Answers included sweating, headache, sleeplessness, and crying. Awareness of our body’s response helps us use strategies to decrease anxiety before it gets too high.

 I showed the girls a breathing strategy combined with a peace word to create initial calm. I asked them to come up with affirming statements. “I can handle this,” and “I am loved” were great examples. When we teach strategies, we not only provide tools, but we also communicate that we believe others can handle challenges.     

 4.    Encourage use of resources. The two hours I spent with Maria and her friends did not solve their problems. Even if we do have more time with the people we want to help, we may not have the perspective or expertise needed. Sometimes we help others most by making it easier for them to find and use resources.

 A resource is anything that helps us. Mental health professionals, physicians, and pastors can provide support. Maria, like many people, do not have such resources available, so we need to help them identify other sources of support, such as trusted family, friends, books, and online sources. Even when we have difficulty finding professional resources, we can learn and do things to promote wellbeing, because we are our most important resource.

5.    Model personal emotional responsibility. I wanted to fix how Maria and her friends felt, but that was out of my control. It also was not my responsibility. I needed to be caring and regulate my own emotions so they could safely share with me. What if I had cried or yelled at them? I would have increased anxiety and could not have been a safe resource. Taking responsibility for how we feel allows us to influence how others’ anxiety affects us. Modeling the ability to self-regulate provides a powerful example.

Anxiety is a global problem spiraling out of control affecting families, teams, organizations, and countries. We can be a source of calm for others, but only if we promote our own inner peace. As we step outside of the anxiety swirling around us, we can offer a hand to others who long to experience a calmer, healthier world.     

This article contains excerpts from Resilient and Sustainable Caring published by Whole Person Associates.