How We Speak to Ourselves Matters: Change a negative narrative to empower yourself
“I should have done better” and “I’m not good enough” are deeply entrenched in my thought response to mistakes or challenges. We all have a negative narrative. What negative messages persistently invade your inner dialogue? Even when we know such statements aren’t true, they come from an unfair inner critic and are destructive.
Our inner critic can diminish a sense of accomplishment and eat away at self-confidence. For example, I recently led a keynote session at a conference where people eagerly participated in activities, wrote down information, and thanked me. Feedback included “Our group really enjoyed your session! I look forward to learning more and using these principles in daily activities.” I was excited and inspired. That is, until the negative narrative began to overshadow the “Yes! I made a difference.”
The “I should have…” thoughts put a dent in my optimism. I thought about the microphone battery dying and things I forgot to say. We do need to learn from self-analysis, but uncensored negative thoughts unfairly strip away confidence, resilience, and motivation. Fear marches in to replace positive perspectives promoting growth, and creativity. Completely removing the negative narrative is unlikely, but we can shift to a more helpful perspective. Practical strategies to change a negative narrative include:
1) Notice and write down recurring negative statements. What do you say to yourself after making a mistake? What thoughts run through your mind when you are anxious, sad, or angry? Write down a few negative statements you catch yourself thinking on a regular basis. “I’m not loveable,” “I don’t belong,” “I’m a failure,” and “I’m weak” are examples of a negative narrative.
2) Consider unrealistic expectations and social norms. Unfair expectations often perpetuate negative narratives. Perfectionism is a frequent culprit. As we name unrealistic expectations behind a negative narrative, we find motivation to promote a more constructive positive narrative. Examples of unfair cultural pressures include expectations that women need to be thin to be attractive and men should not express emotions revealing vulnerability. Such social pressures are unrealistic and don’t promote healthy living.
3) Make a list of positive statements to replace the negative ones. Keep statements short, honest, and affirming. What would you say to encourage a friend or child? How would you want your loved ones to talk to themselves? “I’m enough” is a simple, powerful statement that counters negativity. “I’m human. I made a mistake, and I can work on it” points out the reality that we all make mistakes, and can respond in helpful ways. Positive statements encourage growth, success, and healthy living so much better than a negative narrative will ever do.
4) Use your positive statements whenever a negative narrative enters your thoughts. For example, after the recent conference, I stopped myself from getting mired down in “I should have…” and told myself “I did well and helped others. I am enough. Next time I will remember to check the mic battery and mention certain points.” Censor your inner critic to be a positive, constructive force in our lives.
We can and should be our best advocate. We do not need to let our inner critic operate unchecked by allowing a negative narrative to take over. How we talk to ourselves determines our ability to handle challenges, foster healthy relationships, and pursue dreams. Replace negative thoughts with positive statements to promote confidence, honest reflection, and learning. Cheer yourself on with an enthusiastic “Yes! I am enough and I can do it!”