Promote the Courage to Say “No” with Healthy Emotional Limits
“You are so beautiful,” Ned said while caressing my hand. He was the head of staff where I was doing a professional internship. He continued, “I’m lonely. I think you’re smart and I enjoy being with you.”
What?! I’m married and he knows that! My heart rate sped up while internal alarms rang loudly. Colorful posters and empty chairs disappeared as the meeting jumped into the unknown. I quickly pulled my hand away and jumped up to leave. I knew Ned’s behaviors were wrong but didn’t know how to confront him.
Society taught me it’s impolite to say “no.” I wanted to please and succeed, which increased the difficulty of promoting healthy boundaries. When faced with other people’s needs and a lack of healthy limits, my mental narrative sometimes got in the way.
I want to make them happy. I need to impress to succeed. Am I overreacting?
During my internship, I experienced the chaos, dysfunction, and burnout associated with a lack of healthy limits and the inability to say “no.” Limits are boundaries that clarify what we are and aren’t responsible for. They help us understand what we need to be concerned about and what we can let go of. Limits apply to every aspect of life, including emotions. What are we emotionally responsible for?
We aren’t accountable for other people’s emotional well-being. I related to Ned’s loneliness but didn’t need to feel responsible for changing it. Learning this allowed me to let go of anxiety and find the courage to say, “No.” We often equate caring with ‘fixing’ others and taking on their experiences, but this isn’t realistic. Healthy boundaries honor that we each have our own emotional journey.
Promoting healthy boundaries, especially when it comes to emotions, is easier said than done. You can foster healthy limits, inner peace, and the courage to say “no” with some practical strategies.
1. Look at how healthy boundaries will help you and others. Think about an individual or group you want to establish a healthy sense of limits with. Write a list of the benefits so you can see that promoting limits is advantageous for everyone involved. Your list can include statements such as I will find more joy in my life, I will be healthier, and our relationship will be more sustainable.
2. Use the healthy boundary activity to clarify responsibilities. Imagine you have your own yard that designates what you are responsible for. Draw a large square in the middle of a page representing your yard. Your yard includes your emotional wellbeing, social responsibilities, caregiving tasks, professional duties, resource management, physical health, and spirituality. Write down the responsibilities belonging in Your Yard. Enjoy decorating with joyful flowers or pesky weeds that keep popping up in life.
After filling in your own yard, consider the yards of others you interact with. Draw smaller squares around your yard. Perhaps family, friends, colleagues, or patients. What belongs in their yards? We can assist each other, but taking on other people’s yards is not sustainable or helpful. What do you take on in other people’s yards? What do you want other people to take on from your yard? What limits can help you respect the boundaries of your own yard and those of others?
3. Write statements you can use to promote healthy boundaries. “I am responsible for my own wellbeing” and “I am not responsible for his/her happiness” are examples of statements you can use when pressured to take on other people’s tasks. Or when someone else is trying to take on your responsibilities.
My internship experience with Ned weighed on me until I learned what I was and wasn’t responsible for. I allowed myself to let go of the guilt and shame connected to his behaviors. I found peace and the courage to say “no” after clarifying my own responsibilities.
Limits are not selfish or rude. They make the world a healthier place. I hope you allow yourself to let go of what isn’t yours to carry, find peace, and nurture the courage to say “No” when needed. Each time you foster a healthy boundary, you proclaim an essential reality: Your well-being is important.
For more strategies check out my book Resilient and Sustainable Caring: Your Guide to Thrive While Helping Others, and chapters in The Ultimate Guide to Self-Healing: 25 Home Practices and Tools for Peak Holistic Health and Wellness, Volume 6 and The Caregiver’s Advocate: A Complete Guide to Support and Resources
This article includes information and excerpts from Karen’s book Resilient and Sustainable Caring: Your Guide to Thrive While Helping Others, published by Whole Person Associates, her chapters “Promote Healthy Boundaries to Thrive: Create balance for resilient and sustainable caregiving” in The Caregiver’s Advocate: A Complete Guide to Support and Resources, and “Increase Inner Peace: Promote Healthy Limits and the Courage to Say "No"” in The Ultimate Guide to Self-Healing: 25 Home Practices and Tools for Peak Holistic Health and Wellness, Volume 6 both published by Brave Healer Publishing.